Diary of an Urbane man “Julie’s notes”

1 feb 2010

Dear diary it’s been six months since I saw Beckley even though we our relationship had ended part of him still inside me,I know I should move on with my life instead I find my self living in the past. I had thought with the huge production project which busied me immensely these past months I would have forgotten about him it was always easy during the day when am with the crew, at night the beautiful dream of the man I loved return as a nightmare to hurt me. Why has he gone so cruel I ask myself each time he refused to pick my calls. All these men flocking after me couldn’t even break my mental yearning for love now that am back and done with the movie project I should get my Beckley back cause I know he misses me too.

2 feb 2010

Dear diary am still nervous to meet the man I love, I drove past his house this morning noticing he wasn’t at home I couldn’t bring myself to visit his office. I dreaded going home to idle away with thoughts of him and didn’t want to make the front page by going to any public outlet that was how I ended up in funke’s house. It didn’t take her another stir to notice I wasn’t alright. My princess what is wrong? Funke was my a co lead actress in the movie I had just finished, after six months together we had became very close friends largely due to her accommodating nature but she had zero sympathy for men. They are rogues she often said even though she had several male friends. I want to see Beckley and he wasn’t at home I didn’t want to go to his office it might turn out ugly.

O dear! I can’t believe you still have a soft spot for that man after all he did to you, if he cared enough he should have tried to reach you all these months. I just want to see him nothing more! Is that why you refusing to give Williams attention? Babe seriously I don’t want discuss him right now. Later at dusk when I was re collecting our discussion I knew Funke struck a point, Williams was a nice guy whose pleasant gestures towards me didn’t attract me a bit instead I was always infuriated each time our path crossed.

3 feb 2010

Dear diary waking up to an empty house and a blank calendar stirred up want of a lover rigorously, the cold seem to penetrate the fur blanket that covered me. Out of pure boredom I decided to smoke shes-ha just to get my mind off everything, I had just taken two drags when my phone rang. Even though I knew it wasn’t him part of me wished it was Beckley, my manager asked me if I would love travel to Ghana for the premier of one of my movies. Since it was on such a short notice I had an option to refuse and not incur the wrath of producers but having nothing much to do I conceded. The date was in two days time! I called my image manager and told him, I would come around tomorrow to see what you think would fit the occasion. I was in the habit of leaving my clothing to major events in his hands as he had made me a headliner as one of the best dressed actress in Nollywood.

4 feb 2010

Dear diary I met Jideobi today! From the moment I stepped into Frank’s office my eyes was on him maybe it was his peculiar funny ear lobes which had a resemblance to smiggle, the creature of lord of the ring fame. Even though i have read about Jide in magazines and had seen him a few times during some shows, i had never been this close to him nor have had any particular interest in his person. Julie am sure you know Jide even though he is a new client, we exchanged pleasantries. At the gallery Jide couldn’t take his eyes off me i noticed this because i caught his eyes on several occasions even though he didn’t approach me i knew he wanted to. I wished he had though something i had not felt in a while.

5 feb 2010

Dear diary why did i even allow my thought to perceive the aura of Jide? i felt a sharp surprise to see him among the crew that landed in Accra for the video premier. When Jide walk up to me and Funke while we were having drinks in the bar section of the hotel where we lodged it was a feeling of mixed reaction that i felt, again to my greatest surprise he only joined us for a moment and left. He didn’t ask for my number nor tried to see me again, i expected one of those from him and was prepared to give in at least to show my interest in him but neither came from the man that had stole my thoughts each time we met.

6 feb 2010

Dear diary living under the spot light is one hell of a crazy happy moment, the screams of fans is energizing and the scrutiny of the press keeps one on her toes. Walking down the red carpet is another moment of a temporal feeling of been in another realm than just an average human. All this special feelings faded when Jide popped up beside me as i was giving a short interview to some magazine i hardly know, excuse can i steal you for a moment. He must have noticed how uncomfortable i felt answering too many questions at the same-time. I had wanted him to say more than just you look beautiful on the screen or i enjoyed that part, he cheered all my roles to the movie end. Yet he left just as he came, not proposing a come back that i began to wonder if i gave him a negative impression.

7 feb 2010

Dear diary it is Sunday morning and i don’t feel like going to church, my mind was drifting off to previous Sundays when i woke in Beckley’s arms, my ears longed for the sweet words he usually uttered, i missed feeling his warmth breath on my skin as i slept. I wanted so much to behold his face as i did when he kisses me good morning. Silence was the only audible sound till my phone rang Joe’s number appearing on my screen shattered any little peace i had left, i was so angry i let it rang and switched it off after wards, the devil that came between me and Beckley i told myself. Now i wanted Beckley back more than ever, he must want me as much too i told myself.

8 feb 2010

Dear diary today must be one of those days when you feel life is a dream then suddenly something springs up and switches your feeling to the awareness, you realize yes this is real but then when this feeling is that of pain, you build up some illusion and fall back into the dreamland where you once lived. I saw Beckley today at the mart, he must have been surprised to see me but that his tone expressed disgust hurt me deep down. Even though it was brief it left it mark, why would i love a man so much that i am practically begging for his attention. Thank you Beckley for hurting me.

9 feb 2010

Dear diary across the globe millions of people stare at my image, read about me, fantasize about me, i keep them company in their thoughts. And whenever they see me on their screens that relationship is rekindled. It is when i think of these people that i feel fulfilled but even that won’t last someday another would rise and take your place in their heart and like others before you, you would fade from the scene and join the long endless list of past super stars. Then when it is the time to fall back on the true friends you made over the years, the love you have harbored all youth. This was the dream me and Beckley had, nothing was going to stop us as the sky was the limit but barely half the journey i had shattered that dream. I wanted my man to understand but he is too angry to realize that a little mistake won’t matter in the long run.

10 feb 2010

Dear diary i wanted to see Jide again it didn’t matter anymore if he didn’t feel like asking me out, i just wanted to enjoy his company. I thought of how to draw him out of his shell, i ended up in Frank’s office. He gave a hearty laughter when i hinted him of my intention towards Jide, Julie i don’t think that’s the best idea, the guy just lost a fortune to his ex-wife so he is trading that path softly. I didn’t try to inquire much from Frank least he think am obsessed with his client which will be terrible i trust men to gossip about anything behind a woman’s back.

11 feb 2010

Dear diary i spent the better part of last night surfing the net, following trends that contained news on Jide and his wife, she was a beautiful woman i could see why he was so bitter she started dating someone almost immediately after their court settlement where she squeezed a fortune from his pocket and also gaining custody of the two kids the produced, it was alleged he assaulted her. Well it was such a relive that the whole drama happened in America, i guess that one of the reason he returned home. I felt pity for the man and the ordeal he went through and was more drawn to him.

12 feb 2010

Dear diary i broke a rule and i hope it is worth the effort, i called Jide! if he was surprised he didn’t sound like it, if he was happy i couldn’t tell. We Spoke for sometime then i let him know it was just some routine call, friends checking on friends. let me buy you lunch today Julie, call me up when your ready but don’t be disappointed if i am busy then, okay later then. i knew i would never miss a lunch with Jide, but i couldn’t accept random invitation without letting the person know that my attention is not free. When Jide pulled up in front of an Indian hotel. Are you serious? Indian make one the finest continental dishes. I wasn’t sure about the delicacy of an meal but it was not the food the chased my appetite but the beautiful woman giggling at some joke Beckley was telling her. Even Jide noticed i wasn’t comfortable as he asked me twice if i hated the food i said no, but the truth is that though i ate i could not feel the taste of the food, my eyes was on Beckley i hoped in vain that he would turn around see me, i couldn’t tell Jide what was wrong. Jide being a sensitive person suggested we left and i agreed, after he dropped me at my house and left, my thoughts was back to Beckley.

13 feb 2010

Dear diary now i know why Beckley has shot all doors of reconciliation between us, he was already bedding someone else, i could see it in his eyes she has seduced him into loving her. I felt betrayed hoping all these time that we will back toghther like old times, who was she to snatch my man, was she more beautiful? Seeing Beckley brought back many buried memories of yesterdays, beautiful pictures of us was littered in my head. Even though i knew it was over between us i can’t come to terms with this hurting reality, i love him and the more i try to hate him the more i want to be in his arms. I will visit him tomorrow, girlfriend or no girlfriend, love or no love. i must see Beckley again.

14 feb 2010

Dear diary i woke up today happy, i was going to see my man. My phone kept ringing, people inviting me to different functions to celebrate Val, Jide called me twice but i could not bring myself to talk to anyone, at last i had to switch off my phone. My only thoughts was of Beckley, i wanted to taste his lips again. When i stepped into the bubbling street of Lagos the spirit of Val was strong in the air, i decided not to go in my car to escape the press, he was surprised when i hit his doorstep, he was still surprised when i kissed him. I could tell he wanted me the way he reached for my waist, his manhood was as stiff as a rock, i heard him moan when i reached for them, we made sweet love. I wanted to ask him questions, but he didn’t give me a chance as we kept wanting more of each other till we were both tired and drained. I thought all was going to be alright till the stupid bitch called him and suddenly his beastly nature took over, he was shouting and hurting me with words. It was a moment of pure madness for us and i left him feeling disappointed.

15 feb 2010

Dear diary the excitement of yesterday which ended on a sad note hurt me, but proved one certain fact to me, Beckley is confused but is pretty excited by this new woman he is courting, he is my man and he proved yesterday how much he missed even though his stupid pride won’t let him admit it, men how timid their stupid ego make them look. I will give him another chance to claim what is rightful his, my heart belong to the love we share and i want to fan that ember into a live coal. I wanted to feel the heat like i did months ago.

16 feb 2010

Dear diary when i walked into his office i could sense his want of me, his eyes was on my boobs, even though his words protested his lips give in willingly, his hands betrayed his emotions. when i sat on his laps i could tell he wanted me, i could feel how badly he needed me cause of the way he kissed me. Babe this can’t continue i told him after we made love, i wanted him to define our relationship, i wanted him to realize we were meant for each other, i waited in vain. I left with a thought never to return again.

17 feb 2010

Dear diary Jide was getting more serious with me each day, his constant calls and texts was weakening my physical defenses and i was running out of reasons to shot him out. I should give this man a chance i said to myself, i want a man to spend my whole life with not some off and on relationship he must understand that. once am convinced he won’t flip me over like my ex i would admit him into my life. Beckley can burn.

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