Diary of an urban man 7 “silhouette”

Dressed in a black suit hovering over a beautifully dressed Julie exchanging vow, everything was perfect. Our parents elegantly dressed were seated in the front pew, family and friends filled every corner, there were smiles and camera clicks, happy faces and plenty hug exchanges. I loved the moment I wanted it to last forever but then it started falling apart, first the smile on my bride’s face was fast turning into pure rage, her eyes starting glowing flames of anger, I stood lip tight, trying to understand the situation then it happened pawww! It was a heavy slap and another was coming when I suddenly woke from this dream. My whole body was covered with sweat, every where was silent, I punched a random key on my phone to provide illumination. I couldn’t stand the confusion any more I had to speak to Julie.
Heavens know I loved you more than life it self, I built my thoughts around you and centered my feelings on you. Beckley I would gladly give up every life I ever wished for to spend this lifetime by your side, I gave you a chance to be my god, but you took the way of mortals, if you had erred a thousand times I would gladly forgive you and take you back because that is love and I believe in love, but you sort to kill our love even before it had a chance to blossom, how could you hate me that much and come to seek me out again? How can I trust a man who would flee my bed before dawn? What do thou seek which I have not offered, what does a woman posses which I lacked? Even if there were flaws, am I not a mere mortal? How could you not see past my little mistakes? I think about you and I want to slap you over and over again till you are right back to your senses and become the man that stood solidly behind me for six years, if we could work it out throughout those years when we had nothing what went so wrong now? There were tears in my eyes because I knew I had hurt a man’s ego I didn’t plan to slap him but I couldn’t stand his constantly bumping into my life and messing things up. I wanted him to feel how hurt I was, the pain I was passing through and how lost I feel on a path we should be walking together. Every woman always had that one guy and mine would always be him, come rain come sunshine.
Spending five hours at Julie’s gate wasn’t what I had in mind when I woke up this morning; I was living more on reflex than a well thought out plan. Every single thought of mine was directed towards her it was as though she was a viral living in my blood stream, It was a feeling I would had cherished years back when we did almost everything together but a lot had happened and transformed us into new individuals, living separate dreams which have only succeed in driving us more apart. My feelings for this woman is always a tornado when it comes I can’t control it, ours has always been aggressive in nature but she betrayed my trust and hence quenched the fire but recent events is fanning that ember again and against my will I was succumbing if not how else could I explain waiting at her gate for 5 hours, too drunk to drive away, too proud to walk in. I want this but there has to be other ways to go about it.
Jide was the last person I expected to see at my door bearing a bouquet of red roses which smelt nicely, ordinary I would have kept the conversation short and signal him to leave but I didn’t, in fact I couldn’t, I wanted company and he made a perfect one today even though he wasn’t my perfect choice, I wanted someone else. His jokes were so funny and precise I couldn’t stop laughing, he was his old charming self. it happened so fast before I could grasp the tempo of the moment, Beckley walking in on us, Jide holding my hands and telling me how much he wished we were still together. For a moment I wished both men would just disappear, Beckley shot angry eyes at Jide before turning and leaving, jide stared back almost questioning his presence. As he banged the door after him Jide started to ask me a question, but before he complete his statement i was already telling him it was best for me if he leaves too as I would like to be alone now. Hours later I was alone relishing the moment….
I was out by the beach throwing pebbles into the water body, I felt so disappointed so crushed so cheated, as a kid whenever I had worries I couldn’t conquer by merely getting over it, I often seek solace by water bodies where I’d be throwing pebbles into it’s heart it took away my burden, I felt much free and better. She must have been standing there for minutes without me noticing Valerie had always been a mystery to me, her going and coming. She was still every inch the beautiful woman that walked out on me in Paris. Hi Baby you look gorgeous, your husband is really taking good care of you, thanks Beckley but it doesn’t always take a man to look gorgeous these days it is a mind thing, and you look so worried and lost what is eating you away dear, nothing really I’m just thinking about some major life decisions. Well that didn’t sound like you but I won’t push it, so how is life? Besides the few moments of genuine family time life hasn’t changed a bit since you left me in Paris, I didn’t leave you, you pushed me away. I wasn’t even sure I had you Val, you were going to get married and all that, I couldn’t see the future. You could have created one if you truly loved me, I went to Paris with you to make sure I wasn’t going to make a mistake leaving Joe for you, I gave our love a chance but you couldn’t man up when it mattered so I made a choice. What do you mean I couldn’t man up? Wasn’t I by your side questioning, trying to understand the road we were traveling, I went to Paris a confused man Val. Confused if you loved me or not? Well all that is in the pass now let’s leave it buried there. I have got to go Beck take good care of you. I wanted to say something, to stop her from leaving not yet but I was too lost for words, I merely opened my mouth and shut them again as I watched her leave, her hips swaying from one side to the other, I swallowed hard down a dry throat.
When I entered my living room hours later I was confronted by a huge surprise, that I needed a drink to be sure it was reality, Julie was on my sofa sipping an orange juice and watching a program which she turned off immediately I walked through the door, at first I was surprised how the door I locked was automatically unlocked without any sign of forced entry. Then seeing Julie answered that very question then set another in motion, What was she doing here? The first instinct I had was to walk her out, I didn’t care for anything she had to say it was over between us and I wanted her to understand that but I couldn’t break the tensed silence that hung between us, I Walked over to the bar and poured my self a glass of Jack Daniels. I sat directly opposite her and we shared minutes staring at each other, there was longing in her eyes which in turn dissolved my anger, I just came to say am sorry for slapping you Beckley, I really had to deal with a lot before coming to this conclusion of clearing the air between us, oh ya I understand totally especially when that lot has to do with frolicking with another man, Jide is not another man, he is my friend. A friend that ends up in your pants right, Yes I use to be involved with him like you were with that your doctor babe but it is over between us, when did that happen? Few hours ago you were right in his arms. It wasn’t what it looked, or I was half blind Julie. Beckley you have no right to question my personnel life, at least not now. Okay, am not going to question anything anymore, am merely going to move on and this time for real. And you’re Child? Am not sure am the father. You know what Beckley fuck you, I really regret coming here, it tops the list of my worst mistakes. Hush boo I should be saying that cause I thought we could work out our differences when I walked through your door today too. You have no right to get mad at me Julie because I don’t think you love me. Beckley I have every fucking right to walk into that kitchen, boil some water and pour it on you because you cause me so much grief than I require in my life while you go on living you life like I matter not. How can you accuse me of not caring? When you know I’d stop at nothing if I had a chance to love you again, people don’t ask for a chance to love someone, love is not a sermon to be read. You show it like a miracle it should manifest to the admiration of the whole world. When you’re ready to love again I’d know. Go night Beckley.


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