Diary of an urban man 7 “silhouette”

Dressed in a black suit hovering over a beautifully dressed Julie exchanging vow, everything was perfect. Our parents elegantly dressed were seated in the front pew, family and friends filled every corner, there were smiles and camera clicks, happy faces and plenty hug exchanges. I loved the moment I wanted it to last forever but then it started falling apart, first the smile on my bride’s face was fast turning into pure rage, her eyes starting glowing flames of anger, I stood lip tight, trying to understand the situation then it happened pawww! It was a heavy slap and another was coming when I suddenly woke from this dream. My whole body was covered with sweat, every where was silent, I punched a random key on my phone to provide illumination. I couldn’t stand the confusion any more I had to speak to Julie.
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Heavens know I loved you more than life it self, I built my thoughts around you and centered my feelings on you. Beckley I would gladly give up every life I ever wished for to spend this lifetime by your side, I gave you a chance to be my god, but you took the way of mortals, if you had erred a thousand times I would gladly forgive you and take you back because that is love and I believe in love, but you sort to kill our love even before it had a chance to blossom, how could you hate me that much and come to seek me out again? How can I trust a man who would flee my bed before dawn? What do thou seek which I have not offered, what does a woman posses which I lacked? Even if there were flaws, am I not a mere mortal? How could you not see past my little mistakes? I think about you and I want to slap you over and over again till you are right back to your senses and become the man that stood solidly behind me for six years, if we could work it out throughout those years when we had nothing what went so wrong now? There were tears in my eyes because I knew I had hurt a man’s ego I didn’t plan to slap him but I couldn’t stand his constantly bumping into my life and messing things up. I wanted him to feel how hurt I was, the pain I was passing through and how lost I feel on a path we should be walking together. Every woman always had that one guy and mine would always be him, come rain come sunshine.
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Spending five hours at Julie’s gate wasn’t what I had in mind when I woke up this morning; I was living more on reflex than a well thought out plan. Every single thought of mine was directed towards her it was as though she was a viral living in my blood stream, It was a feeling I would had cherished years back when we did almost everything together but a lot had happened and transformed us into new individuals, living separate dreams which have only succeed in driving us more apart. My feelings for this woman is always a tornado when it comes I can’t control it, ours has always been aggressive in nature but she betrayed my trust and hence quenched the fire but recent events is fanning that ember again and against my will I was succumbing if not how else could I explain waiting at her gate for 5 hours, too drunk to drive away, too proud to walk in. I want this but there has to be other ways to go about it.
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Jide was the last person I expected to see at my door bearing a bouquet of red roses which smelt nicely, ordinary I would have kept the conversation short and signal him to leave but I didn’t, in fact I couldn’t, I wanted company and he made a perfect one today even though he wasn’t my perfect choice, I wanted someone else. His jokes were so funny and precise I couldn’t stop laughing, he was his old charming self. it happened so fast before I could grasp the tempo of the moment, Beckley walking in on us, Jide holding my hands and telling me how much he wished we were still together. For a moment I wished both men would just disappear, Beckley shot angry eyes at Jide before turning and leaving, jide stared back almost questioning his presence. As he banged the door after him Jide started to ask me a question, but before he complete his statement i was already telling him it was best for me if he leaves too as I would like to be alone now. Hours later I was alone relishing the moment….
………
I was out by the beach throwing pebbles into the water body, I felt so disappointed so crushed so cheated, as a kid whenever I had worries I couldn’t conquer by merely getting over it, I often seek solace by water bodies where I’d be throwing pebbles into it’s heart it took away my burden, I felt much free and better. She must have been standing there for minutes without me noticing Valerie had always been a mystery to me, her going and coming. She was still every inch the beautiful woman that walked out on me in Paris. Hi Baby you look gorgeous, your husband is really taking good care of you, thanks Beckley but it doesn’t always take a man to look gorgeous these days it is a mind thing, and you look so worried and lost what is eating you away dear, nothing really I’m just thinking about some major life decisions. Well that didn’t sound like you but I won’t push it, so how is life? Besides the few moments of genuine family time life hasn’t changed a bit since you left me in Paris, I didn’t leave you, you pushed me away. I wasn’t even sure I had you Val, you were going to get married and all that, I couldn’t see the future. You could have created one if you truly loved me, I went to Paris with you to make sure I wasn’t going to make a mistake leaving Joe for you, I gave our love a chance but you couldn’t man up when it mattered so I made a choice. What do you mean I couldn’t man up? Wasn’t I by your side questioning, trying to understand the road we were traveling, I went to Paris a confused man Val. Confused if you loved me or not? Well all that is in the pass now let’s leave it buried there. I have got to go Beck take good care of you. I wanted to say something, to stop her from leaving not yet but I was too lost for words, I merely opened my mouth and shut them again as I watched her leave, her hips swaying from one side to the other, I swallowed hard down a dry throat.
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When I entered my living room hours later I was confronted by a huge surprise, that I needed a drink to be sure it was reality, Julie was on my sofa sipping an orange juice and watching a program which she turned off immediately I walked through the door, at first I was surprised how the door I locked was automatically unlocked without any sign of forced entry. Then seeing Julie answered that very question then set another in motion, What was she doing here? The first instinct I had was to walk her out, I didn’t care for anything she had to say it was over between us and I wanted her to understand that but I couldn’t break the tensed silence that hung between us, I Walked over to the bar and poured my self a glass of Jack Daniels. I sat directly opposite her and we shared minutes staring at each other, there was longing in her eyes which in turn dissolved my anger, I just came to say am sorry for slapping you Beckley, I really had to deal with a lot before coming to this conclusion of clearing the air between us, oh ya I understand totally especially when that lot has to do with frolicking with another man, Jide is not another man, he is my friend. A friend that ends up in your pants right, Yes I use to be involved with him like you were with that your doctor babe but it is over between us, when did that happen? Few hours ago you were right in his arms. It wasn’t what it looked, or I was half blind Julie. Beckley you have no right to question my personnel life, at least not now. Okay, am not going to question anything anymore, am merely going to move on and this time for real. And you’re Child? Am not sure am the father. You know what Beckley fuck you, I really regret coming here, it tops the list of my worst mistakes. Hush boo I should be saying that cause I thought we could work out our differences when I walked through your door today too. You have no right to get mad at me Julie because I don’t think you love me. Beckley I have every fucking right to walk into that kitchen, boil some water and pour it on you because you cause me so much grief than I require in my life while you go on living you life like I matter not. How can you accuse me of not caring? When you know I’d stop at nothing if I had a chance to love you again, people don’t ask for a chance to love someone, love is not a sermon to be read. You show it like a miracle it should manifest to the admiration of the whole world. When you’re ready to love again I’d know. Go night Beckley.

Diary of an Urban man 6 “Clash of Interest”

The 193 hour (s) travel from Abuja to Mumbai really took a toll on my mother, even though she appeared strong I could see through her painful smiles. She was suffering I could sense it, what started as a mild waist pain is now threatening her life. When the doctors suggested she needed a Total hip replacement surgery and the doctor who specialized in that area was not going to be back till next week I could wait no longer. A little consultation linked me up to an organization that provided such treatment, Christie was in far away Rome I couldn’t wait for her, father was too old to travel. I arrived Mumbai with high hopes that mother will get better. Their was people sent by the hospital waiting at the airport to convey us to our destination. The scenes I saw in Bollywood movies was total different, it was a whole new India experience which sure do have it’s magic. But I was not interested in tourism I just wanted mother to get better as soon as possible.

…….

Maybe it was just a hunch or I was truly missing my mother either way I decided to fly down to port Harcourt to visit her, she owned a big restaurant in the heart of the city, even though she was nearing sixty years she has refused to hand over the management of the place to someone else. What will I be doing when I wake in the morning? She would ask when ever the topic came up. It didn’t surprise her that I was pregnant, which totally surprised me cause I have been rearranging phrases to use in explaining my situation to her. Julie dear, Beckley is such a nice man and the sooner you two recognize your meant for each other the better it would be for your baby. Wait mama what are you talking about, I parted ways with him two months ago and nothing will change that! He was here two days ago and he explained everything to me, I believe he still loves you and he is looking for a way to get back into your life. What exactly did he tell you mama? Relax dear we are not in a quarrel, let’s welcome you first. What soup would you like for dinner egusi or isala? You know better mama! Later in the evening I could smell the aroma of isala soup coming from the kitchen. What could he have told my mum to convince her of a relationship that would never see the day’s light. He has some explanation to do and he should better be ready when I ask for them.

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Hours later I was seated in our private hospital room waiting for mother to make it out of the surgical room, my mind was went off to Nigeria, the game was getting pretty intense since Julie started her games of invading my family, I had been on my toes trying to know what everybody knows. You could say curiosity made me visit her mum when I arrived port-Harcourt and wouldn’t be far from the truth but it was habitual for me to pay the woman who has always looked out for as a mother would when I was intimately involved with her daughter and has always said we were just meant for each other. I had expected a cold welcome from her but it turned out she didn’t even know of her daughter’s condition I was left with the option to paint her a perfect picture. We just had a minor fight mama and Julie won’t let me back into her house, she swore I won’t even get to hold our baby. A baby! My God, you two need to get engaged as soon as possible. I don’t want my daughter having kids out of wedlock. As for her not wanting you around anymore don’t worry I know her, am sure it is a minor upset and she would come around. When I told her I was on my way to visit my mother at Enugu but flew to see her first before linking up. I knew I won a huge favor to my side. Julie will have a hand full when her mother talks us getting married.

…….

Beckley will have to pay your bride price. What!! Mama what are you talking about? Julie dear no matter what he did to you was in the past, you have got to look at your future and that of your baby too. Mama clearly I have and it doesn’t include a man who will rather have me abort my baby so that he could marry the woman his heart desires. Calm down, he made a terrible mistake and am sure he regrets every bit of it, you were courageous to stand your ground and I think he appreciates you more now, why not give him a chance to prove it. Mama his playing games, I can sense it. So he pays my bride price the baby becomes his and he can call off the wedding at wish. Mama when he is ready to walk down the aisle he knows where to find me and what to do. No child of mine is having a baby outside wedlock you should get that into your head.

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Mama first phase of operation was successful, it cheered my mood greatly, I could see that the pain was fleeing her body the worrying wrinkles on her forehead had disappeared so did her heavy eyes which was now bright with hope. Nna thank you so much, the doctors were so kind but there is a little thing we have to talk about now that we are alone and I have your ears. Mama am all ears, I want you to marry Juliet, she has a kind heart. When she use to visit me with Christie I had a chance to study her she is truly a worthy wife for you. Mama Juliet and I no longer share same interest. You people should stop speaking about her like she is some angel from above. She has her weaknesses and faults, but she is carrying your baby, my grandchild! I would love to hold that baby when he or she arrives into this world, I want to dance with joy. If this is the last wish you grant for me on earth please do it. Mama wait before you place me under your oaths, read between the lines, she is just trying to hook me with the pregnancy. Then get hooked my son. Mama was not one to change her views easily and this was an ultimatum I needed a way to escape.

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I have heard about the constant irritation pregnant women undergo but this was the height of experience, pawwww! The slap landed on my chubby face I could see sparkling stars before me for a few seconds, what the hell do you take me for beckley? Some cheap girl you just play the way you want, that little drama you played with my mother should never ever repeat it self, the look in her eyes was that of pure rage, it was as if their was a reflection of flames in them. I knew I had to take my leave knowing fully well I will be back.

Diary of an Urban man 5 ”building from the scratch”

Father was an old professor in psychology with an extensive understanding of the change in social behavior at the turn of the century, his book on modern social psychology was a best seller upon these he held fast to the orthodox ways of doing things. He wasn’t one with disregard for tradition but he was always. quick to remind people that the future is already here and was taking foothold. His understanding of the world brought him very close to three of his children, so close we could tell him almost everything. Since retiring to his country home he rarely traveled so receiving his call and that he was in Lagos, on his way to my house sent cold chills down my spine. Something was wrong and whatever it was very serious even though papa sounded casual on the phone. I made it right home before the gate bell rang lo and behold papa was standing before me wearing his usual Ankara print with a red cap to match. Papa what are you doing in Lagos? Won’t you offer the old man water first. The relaxed look on his face confused me the more. I would like to rest Emeka we have a long night ahead of us. I ushered him to the guest room, Moments later I heard the shower sound. What is papa doing in Lagos and what was so important it had to wait till moonlight.

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Depression can break through any emotional guard, I disappeared from my circle of friends to have a moment away from the cameras. Once I was away from A list parties and social gatherings my relationship with people dwindled, most friendship dried up too, I found my self constantly alone with nothing to do but wander about the big house. I wanted to call mum and tell her all I was going through but I wasn’t prepared for her lengthy lessons on how to live my life. Jide came around quite a few time but I told him to stop even though I felt bad I knew I didn’t have any serious feelings for him, he was a fling and am about to evaluate my life so as to bring my child into a comfortable world. Ours alone. There were lots of people showbiz shielded me from and one of them was Christine, my college bosom friend and beckly’s younger sister. She was studying far away in Rome, she was going to soon become a nun of the catholic church. We never lost touch we just stopped talking, either I got too busy for her or she was no longer in the social circle I roll with either way she was one true friend I drifted away from. She knew of my relationship with her brother and had been a mediator at the on set but time changed everything. I was having one of those nights you thought was never going to end with you mind drifting to a million things at same time, I decided to call Christine. Juliet! Her melodious voice sounding surprised over the receiver, to what do I owe this great honor. Hey Christi can’t I just call my bestie to make sure she is fine! Sure my dear but you know I hear and see more of you on screen than in person. Her accusation was sadly true and I was left feeling guilty, Christi am sorry, I wish I could make it up for all the lost time, oh dear it’s fine we can’t make up for all the lost time but we can set the tune for the future. Me and Christi chatted for about an hour, it’s was pure relieve to find that one true friend from your past who never really left, she told me many news she read about me, how I have been in her prayers. I want to see her now, to spend sometime and when she told me she was going to be free for a week I cashed in, we agreed to spend her holiday together. One week with Christi was just pure bliss, at last I found someone to pour my heart out to and I did to a surprised Christi, who was more bewildered I was carrying her niece in my tummy!

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My son we don’t throw away babies nor let our blood wander far away. We are a family coherently existing under the banner of love and every child in whose vein our blood flows should be brought under this very banner. Father took me by surprise, the stillness of the night rather took a pause as his calm voice kept filtering into my soul. There was always magic in his words and tonight he cast the spell perfectly. How did he know about Julie? I know your wondering how I knew about Juliet son but is that very necessary? Finally I have a grandchild and you wanted to flush it down a doctor’s sink! I should commend that woman and ask you make her a wife. Now that was it, I was no longer ready to be hoodwinked by Julies’ exploitation of my parents needs into marriage with her, Dad I can’t marry her. If you loved her so much to bury your seed in her womb why can’t you marry her, I know you two were together for a long time your mother and I has always wished you guys tie the nuptial knot. Son she is a beautiful woman! And wayward too Dad, Julie cheated on me. I understand how bizarre I must sound but believe me it must you who gave her a reason to. Women needs constant attention and affection lacking in one of these areas gives the modern woman a chance to look elsewhere even if it is for a moment. You can’t tell me you have been totally faithful to her, for a great future you have to let go of the past. Rare her into the woman you want her to become, that girl loves you and I tell you that’s something you will never find else where. Dad why are you so interested in Julie? I need a grandson and she is carrying one, you need a wife and she is the perfect woman. Think about it son. Good night.

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Since after holidaying with Christine life tend to have become so simple and easy, we talk every morning when I wake and right before I sleep at night, sometimes randomly during the daytime. It was almost like she was right beside me every moment. She raised my hopes everyday, I told her everything that happens to me everyday and we talked through our problems. Do you still love Beckly she asked me one day, I mean after all he did to you? I certainly don’t hate him but he hurt my own very soul. If he happens to walk right through your door and beg at your feet would you accept him back, certainly the Beckly I know would never do that at least not at my feet. The fondness he had of me died long ago, what happened I knew he loved you so much. I slipped and cheated on him, it broke everything we shared. Julie nothing can’t be repaired I guess he is just being a man remember love don’t die, it only take a recess. Don’t cover up for him please, my love for him is dead too, I have moved on and nothing could bring me back.

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Standing by the office window and looking down to the ever busy street of lagos, people moving in opposite directions, it was almost as if no one is aware of the others existence. The bus conductor arguing with a passenger was not concerned by the groundnut hawker by the glass pane trying to sell her goods to other passengers, the young man at the glass pane didn’t hear her as he had a Dre beat earpiece on and was chatting with his friend on blackberry probably the friend is far away in another continent. There was a mad man pushing his away through the crowd on his way to nowhere, he steps on a deaf crippled beggar who was furious as he frantically made waved his hands in the air to show his anger but no one understood his pain. Then there was a little boy picking a gentle man’s wallet from his pocket as he bent to drop a note in the beggars plate, a policeman was just down the street devouring a loaf of bread and a groundnut with a bottle of coke, his gun resting by his side. The sound of my ring tone brought me back to my office just beside my window, it was Christine! Hello cherry, how is the pope. At the end of the 20 minutes call a lot of questions had been answered but new questions were raised. So Julie told her everything, I thought their friendship was dead ages ago, why now? Julie is playing a game and she just rolled the dice. I just hope she is prepared to play it to the end.

Diary of an urban man 4

From within me this flower will sprout out to conquer the world with it’s charm and wit. Mummy loves you no matter what daddy may think, it doesn’t matter your mine and I have every reason to watch you blossom and not terminate you before you even had a chance to witness spring.
With your peers you shall bloom when the season arrives and itch your name in gold, I will always hover over you watching you right from the moment you take toddler steps to the moment of giant strides. I will dim my light so that you may shine fort, my jewel and fortune, a treasure from God and the fruit of my womb I love you.
Julie scribbled down these words with tears running down her cheeks, this wasn’t part of her plan, and even though she adored kids she wanted to raise them in the same loving environment of a father and a mother like the kind she grew up from.
The idea of a single parent never crossed her mind but it was now a reality she had to accept. Beckly made it clear he wasn’t going to be responsible for any child that devil how he can suggest abortion! Even though it seems the easiest way out as she would get to continue her acting career but what fortune would she seek that would be greater than a child, she was an African and abortion is not her tradition.
She had called her manager and cancelled all appointments, proceeding on an indefinite leave till she was strong enough to foray back into the world of showbiz. Her manager who also doubles as one of her best friends had rushed to her mansion to enquire why the hesitate decision.
Julie told him everything, he was deeply touched and promised to lender her total support in any way he can. Renewed strength filled her at his words of encouragement and support. When he left Julie stood at the balcony and watched the world that spread out before her, her face would soon be gone from the billboards, headlines, TV adverts, A list parties, comedy shows est.
It didn’t matter she told her self what is in her is greater than what is out there. With that thought she smiled at the parting sun that was making his way behind fluffy clouds.
………..
Beckly sat alone in his office his long legs spread on the table as he leaned back on his leather chair, his mind going back and fort in time, he was going to be a father whether he liked it or not.
The fact that julie had decided to keep the pregnancy was disturbing enough, he knew he was such a fool for letting her stomp out in fury when he suggested abortion but he was helpless.
Not one to dwell for so long on regret he decided to call Ngozi and negotiate their broken relationship back into place, the pregnancy is not his problem but julie’s, after all she was wealthy enough to take care of a baby.
An hour later he was sitting across a smiling Ngozi whose choice of a short red gown and little make up made her look so simple and beautiful. This was the lady Beckly told him self as she blushed at one of his jokes. The dinner was excellent it set the mood for an exciting evening together.
On their way home he suggested they bought a bottle of wine to celebrate their moment together that was the beginning of a day gone totally wrong. Please drop me off at my house before proceeding to that wine shop of yours Ngozi said, come on babe I said it is for both of us! Our favorite that’s what am buying, you asked me to have dinner with you and that ended five minutes ago now I would like to go home please. There was no anger in her voice just a plain sincere request followed by a smile. It irritated Beckly more than it hurt him, why the rush to go home dear, It’s a colleague’s birthday party and I can’t miss it, and your going alone without me? Yes and why should I go with you? I don’t want to be involved in any gossip please! What ever happened between us ended the day your ex got pregnant for you.
What!! So this is about julie eh? Babe let’s iron this once and for all; there is nothing to talk about beckly I can’t just play second fiddle to another woman.
Hours later Beckly was alone on his balcony sipping directly from the bottle his favorite jack daniels, how did Julie acquire so much power over his relationship with other people, at one point he was blaming Ngozi for lack of understanding at another he was seeing reasons with her.
The night would soon pass he reminded himself and tomorrow might be better.

Diary of an Urbane man “Julie’s notes”

1 feb 2010

Dear diary it’s been six months since I saw Beckley even though we our relationship had ended part of him still inside me,I know I should move on with my life instead I find my self living in the past. I had thought with the huge production project which busied me immensely these past months I would have forgotten about him it was always easy during the day when am with the crew, at night the beautiful dream of the man I loved return as a nightmare to hurt me. Why has he gone so cruel I ask myself each time he refused to pick my calls. All these men flocking after me couldn’t even break my mental yearning for love now that am back and done with the movie project I should get my Beckley back cause I know he misses me too.

2 feb 2010

Dear diary am still nervous to meet the man I love, I drove past his house this morning noticing he wasn’t at home I couldn’t bring myself to visit his office. I dreaded going home to idle away with thoughts of him and didn’t want to make the front page by going to any public outlet that was how I ended up in funke’s house. It didn’t take her another stir to notice I wasn’t alright. My princess what is wrong? Funke was my a co lead actress in the movie I had just finished, after six months together we had became very close friends largely due to her accommodating nature but she had zero sympathy for men. They are rogues she often said even though she had several male friends. I want to see Beckley and he wasn’t at home I didn’t want to go to his office it might turn out ugly.

O dear! I can’t believe you still have a soft spot for that man after all he did to you, if he cared enough he should have tried to reach you all these months. I just want to see him nothing more! Is that why you refusing to give Williams attention? Babe seriously I don’t want discuss him right now. Later at dusk when I was re collecting our discussion I knew Funke struck a point, Williams was a nice guy whose pleasant gestures towards me didn’t attract me a bit instead I was always infuriated each time our path crossed.

3 feb 2010

Dear diary waking up to an empty house and a blank calendar stirred up want of a lover rigorously, the cold seem to penetrate the fur blanket that covered me. Out of pure boredom I decided to smoke shes-ha just to get my mind off everything, I had just taken two drags when my phone rang. Even though I knew it wasn’t him part of me wished it was Beckley, my manager asked me if I would love travel to Ghana for the premier of one of my movies. Since it was on such a short notice I had an option to refuse and not incur the wrath of producers but having nothing much to do I conceded. The date was in two days time! I called my image manager and told him, I would come around tomorrow to see what you think would fit the occasion. I was in the habit of leaving my clothing to major events in his hands as he had made me a headliner as one of the best dressed actress in Nollywood.

4 feb 2010

Dear diary I met Jideobi today! From the moment I stepped into Frank’s office my eyes was on him maybe it was his peculiar funny ear lobes which had a resemblance to smiggle, the creature of lord of the ring fame. Even though i have read about Jide in magazines and had seen him a few times during some shows, i had never been this close to him nor have had any particular interest in his person. Julie am sure you know Jide even though he is a new client, we exchanged pleasantries. At the gallery Jide couldn’t take his eyes off me i noticed this because i caught his eyes on several occasions even though he didn’t approach me i knew he wanted to. I wished he had though something i had not felt in a while.

5 feb 2010

Dear diary why did i even allow my thought to perceive the aura of Jide? i felt a sharp surprise to see him among the crew that landed in Accra for the video premier. When Jide walk up to me and Funke while we were having drinks in the bar section of the hotel where we lodged it was a feeling of mixed reaction that i felt, again to my greatest surprise he only joined us for a moment and left. He didn’t ask for my number nor tried to see me again, i expected one of those from him and was prepared to give in at least to show my interest in him but neither came from the man that had stole my thoughts each time we met.

6 feb 2010

Dear diary living under the spot light is one hell of a crazy happy moment, the screams of fans is energizing and the scrutiny of the press keeps one on her toes. Walking down the red carpet is another moment of a temporal feeling of been in another realm than just an average human. All this special feelings faded when Jide popped up beside me as i was giving a short interview to some magazine i hardly know, excuse can i steal you for a moment. He must have noticed how uncomfortable i felt answering too many questions at the same-time. I had wanted him to say more than just you look beautiful on the screen or i enjoyed that part, he cheered all my roles to the movie end. Yet he left just as he came, not proposing a come back that i began to wonder if i gave him a negative impression.

7 feb 2010

Dear diary it is Sunday morning and i don’t feel like going to church, my mind was drifting off to previous Sundays when i woke in Beckley’s arms, my ears longed for the sweet words he usually uttered, i missed feeling his warmth breath on my skin as i slept. I wanted so much to behold his face as i did when he kisses me good morning. Silence was the only audible sound till my phone rang Joe’s number appearing on my screen shattered any little peace i had left, i was so angry i let it rang and switched it off after wards, the devil that came between me and Beckley i told myself. Now i wanted Beckley back more than ever, he must want me as much too i told myself.

8 feb 2010

Dear diary today must be one of those days when you feel life is a dream then suddenly something springs up and switches your feeling to the awareness, you realize yes this is real but then when this feeling is that of pain, you build up some illusion and fall back into the dreamland where you once lived. I saw Beckley today at the mart, he must have been surprised to see me but that his tone expressed disgust hurt me deep down. Even though it was brief it left it mark, why would i love a man so much that i am practically begging for his attention. Thank you Beckley for hurting me.

9 feb 2010

Dear diary across the globe millions of people stare at my image, read about me, fantasize about me, i keep them company in their thoughts. And whenever they see me on their screens that relationship is rekindled. It is when i think of these people that i feel fulfilled but even that won’t last someday another would rise and take your place in their heart and like others before you, you would fade from the scene and join the long endless list of past super stars. Then when it is the time to fall back on the true friends you made over the years, the love you have harbored all youth. This was the dream me and Beckley had, nothing was going to stop us as the sky was the limit but barely half the journey i had shattered that dream. I wanted my man to understand but he is too angry to realize that a little mistake won’t matter in the long run.

10 feb 2010

Dear diary i wanted to see Jide again it didn’t matter anymore if he didn’t feel like asking me out, i just wanted to enjoy his company. I thought of how to draw him out of his shell, i ended up in Frank’s office. He gave a hearty laughter when i hinted him of my intention towards Jide, Julie i don’t think that’s the best idea, the guy just lost a fortune to his ex-wife so he is trading that path softly. I didn’t try to inquire much from Frank least he think am obsessed with his client which will be terrible i trust men to gossip about anything behind a woman’s back.

11 feb 2010

Dear diary i spent the better part of last night surfing the net, following trends that contained news on Jide and his wife, she was a beautiful woman i could see why he was so bitter she started dating someone almost immediately after their court settlement where she squeezed a fortune from his pocket and also gaining custody of the two kids the produced, it was alleged he assaulted her. Well it was such a relive that the whole drama happened in America, i guess that one of the reason he returned home. I felt pity for the man and the ordeal he went through and was more drawn to him.

12 feb 2010

Dear diary i broke a rule and i hope it is worth the effort, i called Jide! if he was surprised he didn’t sound like it, if he was happy i couldn’t tell. We Spoke for sometime then i let him know it was just some routine call, friends checking on friends. let me buy you lunch today Julie, call me up when your ready but don’t be disappointed if i am busy then, okay later then. i knew i would never miss a lunch with Jide, but i couldn’t accept random invitation without letting the person know that my attention is not free. When Jide pulled up in front of an Indian hotel. Are you serious? Indian make one the finest continental dishes. I wasn’t sure about the delicacy of an meal but it was not the food the chased my appetite but the beautiful woman giggling at some joke Beckley was telling her. Even Jide noticed i wasn’t comfortable as he asked me twice if i hated the food i said no, but the truth is that though i ate i could not feel the taste of the food, my eyes was on Beckley i hoped in vain that he would turn around see me, i couldn’t tell Jide what was wrong. Jide being a sensitive person suggested we left and i agreed, after he dropped me at my house and left, my thoughts was back to Beckley.

13 feb 2010

Dear diary now i know why Beckley has shot all doors of reconciliation between us, he was already bedding someone else, i could see it in his eyes she has seduced him into loving her. I felt betrayed hoping all these time that we will back toghther like old times, who was she to snatch my man, was she more beautiful? Seeing Beckley brought back many buried memories of yesterdays, beautiful pictures of us was littered in my head. Even though i knew it was over between us i can’t come to terms with this hurting reality, i love him and the more i try to hate him the more i want to be in his arms. I will visit him tomorrow, girlfriend or no girlfriend, love or no love. i must see Beckley again.

14 feb 2010

Dear diary i woke up today happy, i was going to see my man. My phone kept ringing, people inviting me to different functions to celebrate Val, Jide called me twice but i could not bring myself to talk to anyone, at last i had to switch off my phone. My only thoughts was of Beckley, i wanted to taste his lips again. When i stepped into the bubbling street of Lagos the spirit of Val was strong in the air, i decided not to go in my car to escape the press, he was surprised when i hit his doorstep, he was still surprised when i kissed him. I could tell he wanted me the way he reached for my waist, his manhood was as stiff as a rock, i heard him moan when i reached for them, we made sweet love. I wanted to ask him questions, but he didn’t give me a chance as we kept wanting more of each other till we were both tired and drained. I thought all was going to be alright till the stupid bitch called him and suddenly his beastly nature took over, he was shouting and hurting me with words. It was a moment of pure madness for us and i left him feeling disappointed.

15 feb 2010

Dear diary the excitement of yesterday which ended on a sad note hurt me, but proved one certain fact to me, Beckley is confused but is pretty excited by this new woman he is courting, he is my man and he proved yesterday how much he missed even though his stupid pride won’t let him admit it, men how timid their stupid ego make them look. I will give him another chance to claim what is rightful his, my heart belong to the love we share and i want to fan that ember into a live coal. I wanted to feel the heat like i did months ago.

16 feb 2010

Dear diary when i walked into his office i could sense his want of me, his eyes was on my boobs, even though his words protested his lips give in willingly, his hands betrayed his emotions. when i sat on his laps i could tell he wanted me, i could feel how badly he needed me cause of the way he kissed me. Babe this can’t continue i told him after we made love, i wanted him to define our relationship, i wanted him to realize we were meant for each other, i waited in vain. I left with a thought never to return again.

17 feb 2010

Dear diary Jide was getting more serious with me each day, his constant calls and texts was weakening my physical defenses and i was running out of reasons to shot him out. I should give this man a chance i said to myself, i want a man to spend my whole life with not some off and on relationship he must understand that. once am convinced he won’t flip me over like my ex i would admit him into my life. Beckley can burn.